


Look Down [Don't Be Afraid]

by onefootonego (startingXI)



Category: Supergirl (TV 2015)
Genre: F/F, Kink Negotiation, discussion and use of safewords, praisekink!danvers, safe sane consensual, slight to moderate d/s tones
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-03-28
Updated: 2017-03-28
Packaged: 2018-10-12 00:42:09
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,051
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10478205
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/startingXI/pseuds/onefootonego
Summary: and honestly, alex thinks that a conversation about kink shouldn't be this hard. not when the three of them have navigated far tricker conversations - about their relationship for example. of what it meant and how it worked and how to tell their world they're in love.[or: the first time alex gets tied up]





	

**Author's Note:**

> from a prompt on tumblr: director sanvers + rope

there is a first time - over breakfast. the sun is streaming in through curtain parted windows, a breeze is rippling through the house leaving everyone cool and content. spread across the table are the remnants of maggie's pancakes. three plates with knives and forks placed haphazardly across, handles resting in pools of syrup. three nearly empty mugs of coffee pulled close to where they're all seated, bunched up at one end. and the focus is on alex.

although she doesn't know it yet. 

she doesn't know it yet because alex is lost in her head. in the rabbiting of her heart beat and the maze of her own thoughts. she knows the mechanics of talking, she knows how to make the words rise in her throat, she knows conceptually how to say them. of that brand of science, alex understands. the catch, she knows, is making the thoughts become sounds, become more than her twisting hands and her dropping head and nervous glances. 

around these two, around her partners, alex doesn't work as hard to hide her tells. maggie and lucy always see them anyway. not that it matters, because alex doesn't want to hide, not from them, and not about what's sitting on the tip of her tongue. stuttered not by fear of their reaction, but fear of sounding stupid, sounding needy, sounding weird. 

to alex's right, lucy stands slowly, gathering her plate. she scoops alex's up as well, plates balanced on one arm, her free hand trailing along alex's shoulders. the touch startles alex drags her back to the present moment where maggie is handing her plate to lucy, sharing a glance with lucy before asking alex gently, gently 

"where's your head at, babygirl?" 

"i- nowhere. it's fine. i'm fine." alex says, the words rolling off her tongue in pure reflex. 

she's fine. she's fine. 

she's allowed to not be fine. 

she's allowed to feel the patience in her girlfriends silence. she's allowed to swallow and look up, look away, look back down at her hands. alex is allowed, encouraged to take her time, to find her words. 

lucy deposits dishes in the sink and runs warm water over them, maggie takes another long sip of her coffee and they wait. alex twists her hands and says, carefully, 

"i-" she pauses "i want to try something." 

and honestly, alex thinks that a conversation about kink shouldn't be this hard. not when the three of them have navigated far tricker conversations - about their relationship for example. of what it meant and how it worked and how to tell their world they're in love. 

so this? 

this should be simple. 

and yet, 

alex is nervous. she's nervous because on the one hand she knows what she wants. but on the other, what she wants makes her nervous. when she closes her eyes and tries for steady, even breaths, she thinks about the pull of rope at her wrists, she thinks of her arms flexing and feeling little to no give, and she thinks of maggie and lucy tying her up. 

alex thinks of rope and she thinks of freedom. 

but she has to ask. 

it's how they work. it's not a rule, not in the sense of the other rules they sometimes play with 

[no speaking, no touching, no closing your eyes] 

but it is a rule in the sense that everyone consents. always and all the way through. they have check ins of the verbal kind, of the physical kind and they have traffic lights in bed because this is how healthy kink works. 

and sometimes, sometimes one of them sits out. 

[lucy's not all that into temperature play and that's okay] 

[sometimes there are nights where maggie wants just to be taken and fucked hard and there are times when alex can't give her that. but lucy can, so lucy does - and alex finds herself happily with kara, on the couch with cuddles and potstickers and it's okay] 

[the idea of being tied up used to scare alex. always made her want to say red and that's always, always okay. but something's changed.]

they make it work. they talk and they talk a lot, in depth, they find out how to work together in a scene. they explore and they do and they talk after - the next morning where everyone is a little bit sore, and a lot satiated. 

alex loves it. 

she loves the freedom that's come with this relationship. the freedom to be who she is and to know that this love is unyielding. this love is for real and for her and her alone. 

[technically yes, it's for the three of them. it ebbs and flows and is shared with ease] 

so alex can do this. 

she can ask. 

she can ask quietly, as lucy is walking back to sit down, hand tracing over maggies shoulders, kissing the top of her head lightly. lucy doing the same for alex before she sits down. it's not missed how they both lean into her touch. 

"i want," alex says, her voice calm and steady and she looks from lucy to maggie and back again "i want to be tied up. i want to try it." 

she forces herself to say it calm, say it cool, say it like she's not a little bit nervous at the thought. 

lucy smiles and reaches for one of alex's hands. under the table maggie runs her barefoot along alex's pajama clad leg "okay," lucy says, looking across at maggie, who's smiling, who's nodding. 

"we can do that." maggie agrees.

alex nods hard and fast and there's something like relief in her chest, it floods her face and she feels her cheeks warm "really?" she asks, despite herself, despite believing the honesty in their voice. 

"of course." lucy says with a smile, with encouragement. 

"with rope?" alex asks, she tries to say it as a statement, but she can't, she knows that maggie likes cuffs and lucy, upon occasion, enjoys the bite of metal into her wrists. 

alex though? 

alex can't. 

[she tried once, curious. hands cuffed, and not even the feel of leather across her skin was manageable. something about the fact that they were cuffs so tethered alex to her work, to her other life - the life outside the safety of these walls and these women - that she'd spluttered red, red, red with a tight chest and closed eyes] 

rope could be different. 

alex has been thinking about it for a couple of weeks. letting herself adjust to the idea that it was the cuffs that overwhelmed her, not the being restraint. and now that she's said it, now that she's being taken by the hand and they're all smashing down onto the couch, 

she feels safe. 

she feels loved. 

she feels lucy to her right, pulling alex between her legs, and she feels maggie to her right - taking a moment to pull the coffee table closer and then settling with her legs stretched out. they're a bit of a mess and a bit of a heap, but they're tangled and happy and alex feels the last of her nerves settle to a low simmer. 

"with whatever you want." maggie reassures her, lucy echoing that with soft touches to the nape of alex's neck. 

"rope." alex says, nodding "i think that - that could be okay." 

"we should, or one of us should," lucy says, not speaking across alex, but looking at maggie "we should take a class. you know, learn the basics, learn how to use rope safely." 

maggie agrees and alex knows it's smart, but the idea of a class, of lots of people, of being tied up like that - she's got her eyes closed before she even realizes it. her pulse is thrumming before she has a chance to take a breath and no, no, no, 

"you're okay." comes maggie's voice, cutting through the panic "hey, alex, babygirl, you're okay. you're safe." 

and on her other side is lucy. lucy who waits for alex to nod before touching her, before lacing their fingers together and grounding alex while maggie talks, while maggie reassures. while maggie calls alex her babygirl and alex's breathing becomes less of a staccato. 

she feels her face flush and alex wants to pull her knees up to her chest, but it's not exactly the easiest option, so she looks down and she mumbles and she says "i'm sorry, i know the class is good and it's - nevermind, we don't have to." 

lucy and maggie know. they know alex will ramble and backtrack and apologize her way out of any corner she can't fight her way from, 

[which isn't many to be honest] 

so lucy squeezes her hand and maggie nods her along and lucy says gently, gently "you don't have to go." 

"to the class," maggie adds "i can go, or lucy can go, or the both of us can go. you never have to do anything you don't want to alex, never." 

this is seems like a practical improbability and yet it must be true. so alex allows herself to breath. she allows her shoulders to relax and she allows herself to say "are you sure?" 

"we're sure." maggie says "but if you wanted to go, if you wanted to learn, you don't have to be tied up. one of us can, or none of us can." 

alex swallows, shakes her head. maybe later. maybe another time. 

"but you don't have to." maggie reminds her. 

"another time?" alex asks, thinking that she can only handle so much at once. she can only handle so many steps in one night. 

"i'll find a class." lucy says "once mags and i go, we'll talk again. okay?" 

alex nods, and she feels the sun on her body and it's warm and she's coming down off of some adrenaline, so it's easy to curl into lucy and pull maggie with her. it's easy to cuddle and doze while lucy reads and maggie does a crossword. it's just easy. 

\-- 

on the night of the class alex is having sister night with kara. out of choice, out of the knowledge she's not quite ready to go to a class like that yet, but she knows that maggie and lucy will feel better about tying her up if they've learned. if they've practiced. 

alex, not shockingly ends up staying the night, curled on the couch with kara sprawled a top her. kara clings to her a little bit more than she used to - like she doesn't quite believe that alex will always, always be here for her. it makes alex's chest ache and pull kara closer. 

when she wakes up there's a crisis of the alien kind and it's four days before any of them are actually home for longer than a shower. alex is home first, take out sitting in the oven while alex is collapsed on the couch. next is maggie, stumbling in with a bruise along her jaw and a darkness that pulls her straight into alex's arms. 

later and last of all, is lucy. 

the lights are off when she gets in and it's only by the light of the moon that she sees her girls curled up on the couch. alex laid out and maggie curled into her, alex's arms curled protectively around maggie. there's the smell of cold take away and lucy knows she should eat, knows she should shower or change, but all she can do is walk to the couch and kick off her shoes. 

"hi," alex mumbles sleepily, reaching to pull lucy down into a clumsy kiss "s'late." 

lucy smiles, runs a hand through alex's hair "i know. go back to sleep." 

maggie speaks next, face pressed basically into alex's stomach "sleep with us." then she pauses "eat first, then sleep with us." 

lucy smiles and bends down to kiss the back of maggie's head "how about you two climb into bed and i'll join you in a moment." 

in any other context that would be alluring and make everyone a little bit turned on. but tonight, exhausted as they all are, it only serves to make alex hum and smile and shift. she picks maggie up in one motion and maggie lets out a muted noise of surprise before settling into alex's arms. 

alex leans and kisses lucy again "you're gorgeous." she says and lucy blushes and walks over to the island, leaning against it eating cold chinese while she watches alex carefully, carefully deposit maggie onto the middle of the bed. she watches as maggie reaches out and pulls alex down next to her. 

food can wait, lucy decides. 

she sheds her cloths, slipping into bed on maggie's other side. under here it cool and safe and warm and they're all even and equal and home. 

waking up the next morning, with no alarms, with no disasters to divert - is a miracle. the fact that maggie has the day off, lucy doesn't fly out until the evening and alex is banned from the deo until at least one one pm, feels like an even greater miracle.

so they lounge in bed, kissing and cuddling and letting lucy doze because dc is coming and she's really beginning to hate washington - she won't say, but alex and maggie notice the tension in her shoulders and the shadows in her eyes. 

when lucy is awake, her head rest on maggie's chest, alex takes a breath and she asks, voice quiet "how was the class?" she asks, although it feels like a lifetime ago now. 

"really good." maggie says, lucy nodding her agreement. 

"it was very relaxed." lucy continues "could do as much as you wanted, or just watch and listen." 

alex nods, she doesn't really know what to say to that. she tries _good_ and _i'm glad_ but neither feel right coming off her tongue, so she says nothing instead. 

"alex," lucy prompts quietly "can you look over here?" 

she can, but doing so takes a moment longer. 

"if it makes you this uncomfortable-" she starts, but alex cuts her off. 

"it's not - i'm not scared." she says "it's just," and the words she wants to use are escaping her "it's like when you're going to jump into the ocean, and you're standing on the edge. all you can do is look down, and you feel the breeze and can smell the salt and i know it's not going to hurt and i know i'm going to enjoy it, but the standing, working up the courage to jump - that's where i'm at." 

"you're not jumping alone." maggie says and at that, alex smiles. 

"i know." she replies "i know." and then she asks "after," she looks at lucy "when you get back, can we?"

maggie smiles and lucy nods and says "gives me something to look forward to." 

"besides my cooking." maggie teases 

"besides coming home to my two favorite people." lucy amends 

"good response, lane." alex teases, feeling light, feeling relaxed. 

\-- 

it's actually two days after lucy gets back. 

the night of her arrival brings a hellstorm of anger, of tears, of lucy ripping into maggie's heavy bag without wraps, without anything. so it's maggie who gets home, who hears her first, then sees her. it's maggie who approaches from the side, who waits until lucy sees her to move in. it's maggie who pulls lucy into a tight hug while lucy rages on 

"fuck old white men who think they can tell me how to do my job." 

and 

"who do they think they are? most of them have never gone to war, actually fought in war. most of them have never had to kill someone, not with their bare hands. but their hands are covered in the blood of innocent people and they think, they think they're better than me. because they're rich and white and men." 

it's alex who tends to her knuckles. it's alex who wipes away lucy's drying tears with her thumbs while maggie strokes lucy's back. 

and it's the pair of them of kiss lucy slowly, slowly and go down on her until lucy can't think straight. it's the pair of them who look after their girl because washington is a beast and lucy is a fighter, but national city is her safe space, is her haven. and her girls are her tether, her release. 

so it's two days after that until lucy feels recovered enough, and they're all home at a reasonable hour, and they're all on late the following day. a confluence of events that brings alex to say, over pizza 

"tonight?" 

because while lucy was gone a box came in the mail. a box that was addressed to maggie, and that was sitting on the island. mostly, but not really at all forgotten until just now. 

"are you sure?" maggie asks 

"i am, if you two, if you guys want to." alex replies, seeking the reassurance. 

"i'm green." lucy says, and maggie nods.

"i want to, but only if you do." she says "if you both do." then she's standing and she's getting scissors from the drawer and using them to deftly slice through the tape. 

lucy and alex have moved to the couch, alex in the middle, soon to be sandwiched by two of the three people who make her feel safest in the world. maggie is on her other side, putting the box into alex's lap, letting her do the honors of pulling back the flaps, of taking a deep breath before looking into the box.

there's packing peanuts, and amidst it, deep violet rope that stands stark amongst the packaging. 

alex's mouth feels dry as she reaches for it and her heart stutters when she touches it for the first time. it's not as rough as she imagined it would be, not quite soft, but not abrasive. she lets the box fall to the floor, peanuts spilling across the way, but none of them are paying attention to that. 

here, in maggie's apartment - with a bed better for this kind of thing - their whole focus is on the rope, is on each other. 

"how much is there?" alex asks because it looks like a lot, but maybe that's just how it's knotted into itself.

"fifteen feet." maggie says, adding "we don't have to use all of it. it's just, a good amount to start with." 

alex watches as lucy works through the knots with nimble fingers and alex swallows hard, looking between them, twisting her hands "how do we-?" she starts "how do we do this?"

"we don't we move to the bedroom." lucy suggests and alex knows the intention isn't to get it on, or to push either of them into more than they want, but there, in that space, 

they're relaxed. 

the curtains can be pulled across the windows and the soft glow of candles can light the room. they can close the door and the rest of the world can just fall away. 

so they move there. and when the door closes with a hitch, alex finds lucy very close, she find's lucy asking "can i kiss you?" 

and of course, yes, always - so alex nods. lucy kisses her and it's slow, it's steady, it's calming. it's enough to ground alex to the room and for her to sit on the bed. maggie is next to her, the rope in her lap and lucy is moving around, lighting candles. 

"this doesn't have to be sex." maggie says, "not this time." 

alex pauses, considers that, shakes her head as lucy comes to sit on the other side of her "i don't-" she starts "i just-" she knows what she wants, and she knows what she doesn't want. 

she doens't want to stop. she doesn't want this to not be sex. 

but she wants this to be slow. 

it's lucy who reads alex first, who says "why don't we go slow?" 

alex nods because that's closer, it's closer but it's not quite. alex doesn't want to have to think. she just wants to _do._ so she says that, more or less "can you," she starts "i don't want to think." 

it's maggie who pushes for the clarification "you want us to top you?" 

alex nods, lets out a long breath because really she just doesn't want to think, she just wants to do and feel and not have to worry about making too many choices. she trusts lucy and she trusts maggie and she trusts them with her body, with her heart.

[with kara too but now is not the time] 

"can you be good for us, and tell us what you want?" lucy asks 

alex shivers, she feels heat pool in her core and she nods "i want you, i want you to tie me up." she says "and," she pauses "and see how it goes." 

"good girl." lucy hums and alex moans, they know what that can do to her "and what if it's too much?" lucy asks 

"i say red." alex breaths "or yellow, or stop." 

"exactly." and there's been a shift. 

in the usually dynamics, where the three of them are involved and alex is on the bottom - it's usually lucy who tops and maggie who happily inhibits a sort of switch space, topping alex and being topped. but tonight, tonight the focus is entirely on alex, and apparently it's maggie who had a better time in the class, who understood the knots and the way they work against the body. 

so it's maggie who takes more of the lead tonight. 

it's maggie who says, an edge of command in her voice, an edge that releases the tension down alex's spine "i want you to strip, color?" 

''green." alex breaths. 

"luce, why don't you help her?" 

and god, alex says "green." again and then it's maggie leaning back, working the kinks out of the rope without taking her eyes off her girlfriends. 

lucy shifting into alex's lap, straddling her, and lucy tipping alex's head back and kissing her. kissing her. alex's thoughts are already gone, chasing sensation instead of worry, instead of fear. the sensation of lucy's hands down her ribs, curling under the hem of alex's shirt and waiting, waiting until alex says green. 

and alex isn't wearing a bra, because she's home and she's relaxed and oh fuck lucy is pushing her onto her back gently, gently. lucy is hovering over her, kissing alex's jaw, her neck, down her chest. maggie's breathing is heavy, her eyes hooded and seeing the way alex tilts her hips up as lucy kisses them - 

it might be the most attractive thing she's ever seen. 

except it's followed up by lucy sliding to her feet and undoing alex's jeans and pulling them down inch by inch, pressing kisses down alex's quads, her knees, her shins, and maggie's watching, half tempted to stick her hand down her pants because alex's toes are curling and she's whining and moaning and it's goddamn gorgeous. 

lucy presses her body flush against alex's, kissing her, kissing her, kissing her. and when alex reaches up to touch, to run her hands down lucy's back, lucy grabs them gently, pushes them back into the bed "don't touch." she says. 

alex nods, alex lets out a steadying breath, settles and lucy kisses her again. she turns to maggie, who's eyes are dark, pupils wide and the rope is resting in her hands "you look a little over dressed there sawyer." 

maggie nods at her "could say the same for you." 

"you want to help change that?" 

and alex whimpers because lucy is getting off her murmuring for her to be their good girl and stay still. which is unfair because lucy is facing maggie and they're kissing and touching and alex isn't allowed to move, but she wants to. 

she wants to.

but she doesn't. 

she bites her lip and she moans as maggie's hands work up under lucy's shirt. her hips grind up against nothing when lucy's lips, teeth, find maggie's collarbone and maggie lets out a whimper, lets out a hiss and they all know there will be a mark in the morning. 

but where they would usually draw this out and make alex wait, or tell alex to touch herself but not to come, where they would usually - 

tonight they do not. 

tonight maggie steps back and she smiles and settles next to alex to kiss her and kiss her and say "you're so good for us aren't you gorgeous girl, staying so still. not touching."

and it distracts alex long enough that she doesn't notice lucy settling on her knees, until there are hands on alex's legs yanking her towards the edge of the bed and fuck, fuck, fuck, 

lucy is kissing her way up alex's thighs and alex's hands are reaching for her hair before she can stop them and everything freezes. 

"hands back on the bed for us babygirl." maggie says and alex does, and only when they're curled into the duvet, white knuckled, does lucy continue. 

she continues slow, she continues with kisses and nips and the right combination to leave alex went and wanting and writhing on the bed, her hips arching up towards lucy's mouth. lucy's mouth that is so close, so close but not quite. 

and alex remembers why she loves this, loves being topped by her girlfriends: she's got lucy between her legs and she's got maggie's mouth on her breasts and maggie's hands gently, gently pressing into her wrists and god, 

alex might come here and now because that's lucy's tongue on her clit. it's lucy's slowly pushing a finger inside of her, then another. it won't take much, alex can feel it already. 

"luce, luce, luce," she whimpers "lucy don't stop."

all alex wants to do is come and there's a half moment where she thinks they may not let her. where, like some nights, she's teased and denied until her legs are shaking. tonight is not one of those nights, because it must be maggie saying 

"be a good girl for us and come alex, you're so perfect." 

because lucy's mouth hasn't stopped, her fingers haven't stopped and alex is hurtling over that edge in what would be record time - if she was tracking it, or if she cared. but all she feels is the scream in her throat and maggie's lips on her neck, lucy's fingers curling inside of her at just the right angle and then coherent thought, what was left of it, 

is gone. alex is blissfully, gone. 

alex is clenching around maggie's fingers and she's breathing in stutters and fuck, it's been a while since she's come that hard. 

"so good." lucy murmurs, pulling her fingers out and wiping them on the bed, kissing alex's thigh and coming up off the rug "color alex?" 

"green." alex mumbles, her hands still curled against the bedsheets "you?" she asks, looking first to lucy. 

"neon green babe." lucy replies, hand resting on alex's hip lightly. 

"you mags?" alex asks, although the effort leaves the words as more of a mumble once again. 

"green." maggie nods, smiles, stroking down the inside of alex's forearm "can you move up to the headboard for us?" 

alex moves slowly, releasing the duvet and working her fingers slowly, feeling the blood rush back to them. then pushing up onto her elbows, taking deep breaths and shifting up to the headboard. she hesitates, looking at maggie, unsure, but before she even gets the question out, maggie says 

"on your back gorgeous." 

and alex settles, shifting down until her head is on the pillows and her hands are by her sides. she swallows hard because she sees maggie reaching for the rope. 

"color?" lucy asks 

"green." alex says "just, slow." 

"of course." maggie replies, "always, alex." 

there's some shifting, where maggie ends up off the bed, walking around to the other side, and lucy ends up next to alex, fingers tracing down her forearm, tangling their hands. alex focuses on that, on lucy kissing each of her knuckles until finally maggie says "hand up to the headboard." 

this parts easy, letting her hands curl around the bars in maggie's headboard. alex grips them tight, already feeling more exposed. she closes her eyes, tries to focus, steady herself, but there's a hand on her chest.

"eyes open," lucy says, again, this air of commend in her voice and yet it's still soft. 

alex opens her eyes, blinks and focuses on lucy. lucy's sitting next to her, hand splayed out across her stomach "good girl." lucy says "you know how perfect you are?" she asks 

"i'm going to tie your hands together," maggie says "and then to the headboard. color?" 

alex envisions it, the rope around her wrists, the restraint - she remembers how the rope felt under her fingers, soft, firm, steady "green." she says and maggie leans down to kiss her. 

alex can't quite see what maggie does next, but she feels it. alex feels the way maggie moves alex's wrists a little bit wider. feels the way rope is laid out across her hands, feels lucy adjust and use her free hand to help maggie adjust it some. 

the sensation of the rope dragging lightly across the skin of her wrists makes alex gasp and maggie still and alex says "green, green." for more breathless than she was expecting. 

there's more wrapping and pausing as maggie checks the knots and lucy takes a look and there's a moment where alex can hear them kissing and she's relaxed. 

the ropes are tight, but not too tight. she's got lucy's hand on her chest, on her shoulder, stroking her jaw before lucy kisses her gently, gently. and then maggie is stepping back and she's saying "do you want to take a look babygirl?" 

and alex realizes her hands are still gripping the headboard, but there's a new sensation to them now. there's a stiffness between them. she tests it, finds that she can't pull them apart, or push them closer together. alex brings her hands above her head, inspecting the knot work and then grabbing the headboard again. 

"i'm going to you to the headboard." maggie says "color?" 

"green." alex replies, nodding, preparing herself because hands tied like that is one thing. 

they're sturdy sure, but alex can think of a dozen different ways she could get the knots undone in less than a minute. but being tied to the headboard? that's a whole different game. 

a game she wants to play, yes. 

alex is temped to close her eyes, temped to imagine herself back on the edge of that cliff, with the water below and the freedom that will come with falling - 

but she's not allowed. 

she feels maggie still, hears lucy say "eyes open danvers." 

alex does, looks at the shadows across her bedroom, hears lucy say "colour?"

and this time alex pauses, she considers "green, yellow, i-" and she hesitates and she closes her eyes because she wants this, she knows she wants this by why is her chest so tight? 

"hey, hey, hey," maggie says, waiting until alex opens her eyes to cup her chin "you're doing so good." she says "you're such a good girl, and if you don't want to do anything else, we can take these ropes off." 

alex shakes her head, she takes a deep breath "i want to try." 

and it feels like an eon ago that she was floating and relaxed from her orgasm, an eon she wants back, to go back to that space. to be there and be happy and not, tentative. but alex is realizing with a crashing certainty that she's not ready, she's not ready, she's not ready. and it hits her like a train, and she's saying 

"i can't, i can't, i can't." 

but the miracle of it all is maggie's already moving. maggie is already undoing knots and pulling back rope and as soon as alex feels her wrists relax, she's curling on herself. wrapping her hands around herself, because she wanted this right up until the moment that she didn't. right up until the second she couldn't handle it. 

and alex feels like she failed. 

she feels like she disappointed. 

she feels like this is one thing she should have been able to do for them; hell they went to classes and they bought rope and they were patient and they haven't gotten off and, and, and. 

"alex can you breath for me?" 

it's not a command, it's a gentle question. it's maggie at alex's back, sitting on the edge of the bed with the rope at her feet. it's maggie not touching her but stay closer, and it's maggie saying gently "you did so well alex, i promise. can you look at me babygirl?"

it takes alex a long time to unwrap herself, takes even longer for her to roll onto her back even though she still feels her cheeks flushed with shame "i'm sorry." she says "i'm sorry. i wanted it - i just," 

"you don't have to explain." maggie says, her hand hovering over alex's, waiting until alex reaches out and takes maggies, takes one of lucy's. her hands are shaking and she's angry with herself, she's angry and she can't quite understand why reflected back at her is not anger. but understanding, but concern. she doesn't get why it's lucy's thumb moving in small circles across the back of her hand and it's maggie's voice, choked on tears saying, 

"you're allowed to safeword whenever you want. that's why we have them, it's why we can do all that we do." she explains, reminds "i promise, and ally, babe, we're not mad at you. neither of us are." 

"we're so proud of you alex, for trying and for doing something new and for telling us when you weren't okay. we're so proud of you." lucy adds, and alex's grip on both their hands tightens. 

they don't lie to each other. 

and alex believes that. 

so she believes them now.

[and she forgives herself, bit by bit.] 

there's shifting and alex clinging to lucy's hand because lucy is moving away and alex needs them both right now. so lucy extends and finds a sleep shirt and she passes it to alex. she finds another one and passes it to maggie. it doesn't matter that maggie is swimming in hers - it's alex's, and the one lucy is helping alex slip into is army grey and only a size too big - acqusitioned specifically for alex danvers. lucy pulls on one of maggie ncpd softball shirts and alex feels like crying.

she feels like crying because they're all climbing under the covers and she's in the middle and maggie is asking if she can hold alex and lucy is gently pulling alex's arm around her middle and fuck, fuck, fuck,

if the truth of it all is that alex never thought she could have this. never thought it was a possibility to be surrounded by this much love. with maggie kissing her neck gently and whispering 

"i love you." 

and lucy reaching back and finding maggie's hand and lacing their fingers together, connecting them all. 

it won't last, sleeping like this - they all move too much and kick too much. but it will last until alex is asleep. until her breathing is steady and her face is relaxed and her grip on lucy has lessened only slightly. they'll shift and spread and in the morning it will be a wonder that they fell asleep pressed together at all - 

but in the morning alex will see the rope, the purple rope with its color so carefully chosen, and it won't scare her. 

she'll pick it up, coil it neatly, put it away in the drawer of all their other toys, and file that away for another night. 

another time. 

because last night she jumped, and it was scary, but she did it, and the water was a little colder than she expected, 

but that's what maggie and lucy are for, to call her back to bed, to kiss her and to be kissed by her, and for the morning to stretch on and on before them - the outside world still far and away from this place.

**Author's Note:**

> how are we all feeling? good enough to leave a comment down there below? maybe? cheers. 
> 
> feel free to hop over to my tumblr and let your thoughts be heard, or shout about supergirl with me [onefootone](http://www.onefootone.tumblr.com)


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